Writing My Story

I think I have always wanted to be a writer. I love writing; I love to be able to communicate clearly with words. I love words. Maybe it is why I love books so much. I don’t mean I love words because they are big or difficult. I love words that convey meaning and feeling.

I had been telling a portion of my story to family and friends for months, because it was all so incredible to me, so much like a story from a TV show or movie. Almost everyone I told it to would say something like, “you need to write a book”. That for me was like alcohol to an alcoholic. Oh if only I could, I would think.

Once I retired and had almost unlimited time on my hands I thought more about it. Then a friend invited me to a writer’s workshop. (http://www.thewritingpoint.com/) The facilitator, Sally, asked me to send her 6-10 pages of my writing so she could see where I was at, what type of writer I was. Six to ten pages? And you are actually going to read what I write? I didn’t have six to ten pages, much less six to ten words yet written, only in my head. So I sat down and I started. I’m so glad I don’t have those original pages anymore, they have long since been rewritten and edited probably at least 25 times, I think they might even embarrass me to see. But that was the beginning. I went to the workshop once a week for six weeks and each week I read more of my story, more of what I had written.

It wasn’t great, probably wasn’t even that good, but it was words on the page and everyone in the workshop was interested, appreciative and so very supportive. They liked my voice, they liked my story (does this conjure images of Sally Field accepting an academy award … sorry not my intent). And so I continued to write. And because of the support and feedback I got at those workshops, I keep finding a way to silence my very loud internal critic that keeps wanting to convince me I can't do this, that I'm crazy for trying.

I have now been involved in the writer’s workshop for at least three six-week sessions plus another couple of six-week sessions of one on one time with Sally. The first draft is getting closer; in fact, I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. My goal was and still is, first draft complete by the end of the year.

I have been reading “Fearless Confessions, A Writers Guide to Memoir”, and it has become painfully clear how much editing I need to do. It may change everything I have written so far, not the story but the way I tell it. But, it will be for the best, because it will be a true story, from the heart, one I needed to tell. So, the goal remains first draft by the end of the year, but I know that there will be a lot of work to do, the first draft will only be the basic story on the page, the subsequent drafts will add the heart and the voice.

Wish me luck!

An Update regarding Banned Books Week

If you are interesested here is a link to another blog called Writing Under Pressure. Christi Craig also talks about Banned Books Week but she lists the books that were banned or challenged this last year! And she tells you what the reason was. Some of it is truly amazing. I particularly like her point that several of them the parents in a school district complained about a book for its content, i.e. violence, sex, language etc., and one is sometimes left to wonder if these same parents are the ones who took their kids to see "Transformers Revenge of the Fallen" or, my thought is, let them play some of the video games out today like Resident Evil, or Halo or Metal Gear Solid (I only know them from the commercials on tv which are bad enough!).

Take a look at Christi's blog, you might like it!

http://writingunderpressure.wordpress.com/2009/09/26/what-are-you-hiding-under-your-pillow-this-week/

Sept. 26 - October 3 BANNED BOOKS WEEK

Scary thought, some of my very favorite books are on this list ...

Banned Books Week (BBW) is an annual event celebrating the freedom to read and the importance of the First Amendment. Librarians, teachers, and booksellers across the country use Banned Books Week each year to teach the importance of our First Amendment rights and the power of literature, and to draw attention to the danger that exists when restraints are imposed on the availability of information in a free society.

Top 25 Banned/Challenged Books

1.  The Great Gatsby                                             F. Scott Fitzgerald
2.  Catcher in the Rye                                            J. D. Salinger
3.  Grapes of Wrath                                              John Steinbeck
4.  To Kill a Mockingbird                                      Harper Lee
5.  The Color Purple                                             Alice Walker
6.  Ulysses                                                            James Joyce
7.  Beloved                                                          Toni Morrison
8.  Lord of the Flies                                              William Golding
9.  1984                                                               George Orwell
10. Lolita                                                             Vladmir Nabokov
11. Of Mice and Men                                          John Steinbeck
12. Catch 22                                                       Joseph Heller
13. Brave New World                                        Aldous Huxley
14. The Sun Also Rises                                       Ernest Hemingway
15. As I Lay Dying                                             William Faulkner
16. A Farewell to Arms                                      Ernest Hemingway
17. Heart of Darkness                                        Joseph Conrad
18. Their Eyes Were Watching God                   Zora Neale Thurston
19. Invisible Man                                               Ralph Ellison
20. Gone With The Wind                                   Margaret Mitchell
21. Native Son                                                   Richard Wright
22. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest               Ken Kesey
23. Slaughterhouse Five                                     Kurt Vonnegut
24. For Whom the Bell Tolls                              Ernest Hemingway
25. Call of the Wild                                            Jack London



American Library Association (2009) retrieved September 26, 2009 from
     http://www.ala.org/ala/issuesadvocacy/banned/frequentlychallenged/challengedclassics/index.cfm

Strategically Defaulting on the American Dream

Homeowners who 'strategically default' on loans a growing problem -- latimes.com

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The above article from the LA Times is about homeowners who "strategically default" on their home loans letting their homes go into foreclosure. You may wonder why I am including that in my blog? BecauseI am one of them. I strategically defaulted on my home loan and let them foreclose on my American Dream.

Believe me, I am not proud of it, it felt wrong on so many levels but for me it felt like my last resort.

I bought a house in Lincoln, CA in 2006 for 350K. It was a modest home built in the mid 1980's and then remodeled in 2000. By the time I let the house go in August of 2008 the value of the home was $180K. I certainly wasn't alone, it happened to a lot of people, the over-inflated housing market ruined a lot of dreams.

So I'm not here to make excuses. I take full responsibility for my own poor money management skills, and for being one of those "suckers" that will buy into a well timed sales pitch, even from a mortgage broker who is trying to convince me that despite my uneasiness I won't have any problem with the payment.

My concern though is what is left out of this article, and that is what mortgage companies (maybe not all but at least the one I dealt with) did to make this worse or at the very least to not help homeowners who might be considering such a drastic option.

Long before the value of my house hit that rockbottom number I had spoken to my mortgage company twice about re-financing. Now mind you, I bought my house in August of 2006 and by November of 2006 the value had already started to drop. Plummet may be a more apt term. It was clear by the beginning of 2007 what was happening to the housing market and financial markets as a whole. So I called trying to refinance and lower my payment so that I could hopefully just hold on until things turned around. Didn't we all believe that the market would bottom out and then recover? I was willing to wait it out if I could afford it.

Each time I spoke to my mortgage company (or any one of the two or three other lenders I spoke to), the usual response was, "well, if you can just wait til the market turns around then maybe we can talk to you". C'mon now, if I could wait for the market to turn around anyway I wouldn't be calling talking about refinancing.

Then I called a realtor who while trying not to laugh .... or cry ... said it was a lousy time to try and sell. She was right, there were already several houses on my street alone for sale, at least a couple of them "bank-owned".

So I decided to "strategically default". I had decided at the same time to retire and move to Tennessee where my retirement dollar would go much further. I moved out of my home in August of 2008. Before moving, I called my mortgage company and explained that I wanted to turn over the keys to them. I wanted the house to be kept safe, and for them to as quickly as possible do whatever they do to resell the home. The kid (he sounded about 14 but I'll guess he was a bit older than that), was confused and asked me more than once, "you want to just turn over the keys?". Then he said,, "have you thought about refinancing?" I remained calm while I explained I had and his own company was not interested in refinancing my home. Then he asked, "have you considered selling it?" Again, remaining calm I explained that I had indeed spoken to a realtor but that clearly it was not a good time to try and sell. Then he told me he would put a note in my file saying I was turning the keys in and told me which office to take the keys.

In August of 2008 I was driving out of town on my way east and stopped at the mortgage company, I took the keys inside. The young man at the front desk was completely confused about what to do with me. So much for the "note in my file" from the 14 year old. He went to get a manager and I sat and waited. And I waited some more, at least 20 minutes on the couch in the lobby area. Finally a manager came out, said she needed the address of my property and disappeared for another 10 or 15 minutes.  When she returned she said I needed to speak to the corporate office before she could take the keys and invited me to her office.

I spoke on the phone with a man who asked me again if I was trying to turn in the keys. I said yes. He said, "you can't do that, they can't take your keys there." My calm and patience was running out. I told him I would be happy to use what some were beginning to call "Jingle Mail" and just put the keys in an envelope and stick them in the mail but I was trying to be a better customer than that. Then he asked, "have you thought about refinancing?" I am pretty sure I pulled the receiver away from my ear and just stared at it for a moment. Then, you guessed it, the next question was, "have you considered selling?" Aha, bureaucracy at work. Finally he told me I had two options, I could either let them foreclose or I could try and do a short sale but that a short sale would be much better for my credit. He didn't mention what he thought I should do with the keys and I decided it probably would not be in my best interest to tell him my idea of what to do with them.

We'll just skip to the "rest of the story" as the late Paul Harvey would say. I tried the short sale routine. The house was listed for sale for $205,000 based upon the current market and comparables in the area. We recieved four or five offers right away. The problem was the mortgage company didn't move at that speed. In fact speed is not even a word in their vocabulary. So while the mortgage company sat on the file offers came and went. Finally in February or so they decided they would accept an offer that came in. They buyers' lender wanted a new appraisal and the house appraised for $180K and that is all the lenders would pay for the house. The mortgage company refused the offer. Then they reconsidered and finally in April they thought they had a deal. For some reason instead of just moving ahead the mortgage company decided they wanted my last two years of tax returns and pay stubs. It became obvious to me they were trying to find a way to say that they believed if I refinanced I could afford the home and could stay. I refused and they foreclosed. At least I think they did.

Now, please understand, I had already moved to Tennessee, moving back to California was cost prohibitive to say the least. And I may not be very good with money but even I could figure this out ... let's see, they wanted me to refinance a 30 year $350,000 loan and possibly make it a 40 year loan for a house that was now worth $180,000? Even I get that would be a very bad financial move.

To finish this story I will just tell you, I think they sold the house but the only way I know that is by looking online at "Zillow.com". The mortgage company never spoke to me again. But I will also tell you that throughout the eight months between when I left and they apparently foreclosed on the house, I continued to get bills for the 2nd on the house. And every month like clockwork the mortgage company just continued to report to the credit agencies that I was not paying my bill. I wasn't that was true, but it would not have been 8 months of non-payment if they would have done the short sale  in August when I moved. So even if a short sale had gone through in May, my credit was ruined anyway, it was not any better for my credit than a foreclosure despite their assurances to the contrary. That was one of the reasons I refused to give them tax or income information. Nothing they were doing was helpful to me.

I don't want to sound paranoid but I also had this thought in the midst of this mess. It seemed like the mortgage company was trying to stall the short sale process because if you watched the news at all you know that the federal government was bailing out banks right and left. I think they wanted to wait for a government bailout. The company I was dealing with was one of the worst based upon my limited research about the housing crisis. They since were taken over by a very large bank but in the end I still got nothing different from that bank then from the original mortgage company.

Do I sound like I'm making excuses? I'm not trying to. I just want people to understand there are two sides to this story.

More on Women's Happiness

Marcus Buckingham: Women's Happiness: What We Know For Certain

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The above link is the second in Buckingham's series on Huffington Post regarding women's happiness. In it, he answers many comments people made about his post and about who he is and why he, a man, wrote about the subject.

I have, on several other blogs, seen all kinds of theories about Buckingham's findings, some of them down-right angry. Some felt that Buckingham was just wrong that women weren't less happy. There is something to be said for the idea that women are just more willing to express their feelings including being unhappy in their lives than men are or than they might have been 40 years ago.

I have my own theory, and since it's my blog, I can let you all know what it is ....

Buckingham and many others looked at the findings from a standpoint of, why  after all the gains women have made in society over the past 40 years would they be becoming more sad?" I agree there have been wonderful and amazing gains but at a price. Women are now taught that they can do anything, be mothers, be doctors, lawyers, CEO's and even police officers and managers and administrators in Law Enforcement agencies.

But with all those gains what has been the up side for women? Sure, more prestige, more money, although we all know it usually still is not equal pay for equal work, more opportunity. But all those things being added to the one side of the scale, nothing was removed from the other side of the scale, women still do all those other things they have traditionally done, hopefully more by choice than anything else, being mothers, caregivers, partners and lovers and wives.

My thought is, men got the great end of this bargain. No longer do men have to feel that they must be the provider for the entire family. They are no longer required to be the sole breadwinner and in fact they are now taught that it is just fine if their partners make more than they do. It's a win/win for men. I don't think they do it consciously but I think they still think of women as unequal, but they expect them to be more equal partners in the relationship as it relates to earning money, sharing expenses. They like the perks of having a partner or wife that earns a decent wage, and is in a position of power and respect, but they still expect those women to be the primary caretakers of the children, to quit work if there is a child. I don't mean this is true for all men, but, for some I think it truly is.

I experienced it first hand. I was the first female Lieutenant in the 150 year history of the law enforcement agency I worked for, but I was the oddity (and no, I don't think it was just me). The same might be said for the few women who are now Sheriffs and Chiefs of Police. In fact, how many times when you hear of a woman in a position of authority, whatever her title is preceded by a word that denotes her gender?

In my own experience I think  many if not most of the men I worked for and those that were my peers thought that my promotion was mostly about the political expediency of the department promoting a woman into the mid-management ranks, that it was about time, more than it being about me being the most qualified for the job. And although they were willing to accept that a woman now shared the rank I don't think most of them felt I could be their equal when it came to doing the job or making decisions. Once I was in the position I was pretty much forgotten, I was not given many opportunities that were given to the men either of my equal rank or even subordinate to me. And my feeling at the time was that those in power were patting me on the back and sending me on my way and without saying the words, telling me to be happy with the title, to go away and not make waves. And at the time I didn't feel that I had a role model to turn to and instead I internalized my feelings of not belonging, of not being equal and it manifested itself into sadness.

I believe that women just have that much more added stress and responsibility in their lives with little to show for it except a title.

I'll be interested in others opinions and to see if Buckingham writes about solutions to the problem. The whole thing, it doesn't make me angry, it just makes me sad. Hmmmm.

Success ... kind of

Well I did it. As you can see I finally was able to add a Share this link after each post. Again, I'm  hoping that those who find the blog itself, or a specific post, interesting  will share it and invite others to follow my blog and comment. Have to admit though, this technology thing is not my strong suit, it took me a loooonnnnng time.

Of course you may also notice that my followers (I have 4 of them I swear!) are not always showing up on the blog. Some days they do, some days they don't. This seems to be a problem that Blogger has had since July but I can't seem to find where they have come up with a solution. They unfortunately do make it difficult to find someone to talk to or e-mail about problems, they want people to use their "help forums". As far as I can tell the forums are just filled with folks all complaining of the same problem and still no one from Blogger posting a  solution. So, if you are following, I thank you and I apologize your picture isn't showing up on the page, hopefullly they will get it fixed sometime soon. But whether followers show up or not, would love to get more .... hint, hint.

Many of you who are already friends on Facebook will also notice that each time I post to my blog, a thumbnail of it shows up on my facebook page ... once again, trying to let people know the blog is here, get people reading it and commenting etc.

Anyway, this has allowed me to procrastinate away more than half the day without getting  much accomplished, particularly not anything resembling writing the book. But, there is still a bit of the day left, we'll stay optimistic.

And finally, best news of all ... my son Brendan is coming home from Iraq!!!!!! Thank goodness. Hopefully within a month or so I will actually get to see him in person! Thanks everyone who has kept the positive thoughts for him while he's been gone.

Being on the cutting edge ...

I consider myself reasonably smart, and I like the latest techie kind of things, and I love to write so trying to meld everything together you would think wouldn't be that hard. I think my brain is turning in to mush today.

First, I'm writing my book. So far so good. And although I have not  yet even completed the first draft I am trying to look forward, see the big picture. I want to know what I will need to do next, how does this all work, publishing etc.? I was already on Facebook but that was more to keep up with family and friends than anything else.

Then I joined another site geared specifically towards writers, even more specifically towards female writers called She Writes (http://www.shewrites.com/) . This site is amazing and wonderful. I can get information, I can get support, I can find friends, I can learn  things. So one of the things I learned is that most of the writers on there, especially published writers all seem to also have a blog, and they twitter and they facebook. And when you join the groups about blogging and twittering ... or is that tweeting ... they all talk about using those forums as platforms for your writing.

So I joined twitter. I've got the basic, I can tell you what I'm having for breakfast part down but there is so much more to it than that.

Then I decided to start this blog. The reasons were many, I love to write and this gives me a chance to write in a shorter form than the book, and on a myriad of topics, and if it helps me to someday get the book published I'm all for it.

I checked out a website (one of my favorites listed below) of a guy named Tim Ferriss,  he is pretty incredible, wrote a book called The Four Hour Work Week, (my kind of work week), amongst a million other things he does. He's funny and interesting and really smart, at least I think so. But I watched a presentation he gave on blogging,"How to  Build a High Traffic Blog Without Killing Yourself", which was interesting but probably way above my level of blogging but interesting stuff none the less. Definitely got me thinking about getting my blog out there and seen among the how many million other blogs out there?

All of this stuff, as it relates to being a writer is about getting your name (your brand if you will) out there, making contacts, letting people see your writing. As an example, I have heard although haven't tested the theory, that if you want to write for magazines, particularly the well known magazines, they sometimes will accept previously unpublished writers, but best way to get writing assignments and be published is to have already been published. Hmmm, is this what is known as a conundrum? BUT, it seems that at times those same editors at magazines will look at a person's blog to determine if they think that person can write on a subject and/or coherently enough to be given an opportunity to write for that magazine.

I also looked at another site which I have listed in my favorites called Inkygirl, she has a several part article about Re-Tweeting. Wait! I'm just starting to get the hang of tweeting to begin with and now I have to learn to re-tweet? It actually is a great thing, someone tweets a link about a news story, a video, someone's blog, whatever, it is stuff you would want to share with your friends and followers, so you can re-tweet that same information or link. She also has articles about the basics of  using twitter. She is a prolific tweeter and re-tweeter for that matter.

Then I thought, what I need is one of those buttons on my blog that says "Share This". I went to the Share This site and sure enough they say you can add it to your blog, I tried, wouldn't work, waiting for a reply from the blog site help folks.

I'm getting dizzy.

I should have updated my facebook status today but who has time, I was reading about re-tweeting and blogging, and how I need to get my name and my blog out there so people see it, and then I found time to only update my twitter status once. Then I decided to download something called Tweetdeck which is supposed to make all this easier an all from one spot. The download went fine and I thought I was set but then it wouldn't let me add Facebook so I had to uninstall and download again. I think I'm all connected now. Where is that instruction book? What time is it? Where did the day go?

For now, I'm trying my best, if you want to follow me on Twitter please do @julesjeffs, check out my facebook page and friend me there if you have't already, and hey you are all my Share This button for the time being, if you think anyone you know would like the blog please pass it along, follow me (there is a button for that), and drop a note once in a while, or comment on blog postings.

Oh my god, who has time to write? I think maybe I need to make myself a sandwhich board and just wear it around town.

Marcus Buckingham: What's Happening To Women's Happiness?

Marcus Buckingham: What's Happening To Women's Happiness?

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The above is the first in a series of articles written for Huffington Post. Buckingham has looked at studies regarding women's happiness and finds that even with all of the wonderful advances women have made in the last 40 years they are increasingly unhappy and he is trying to understand why.

I find the post interesting for several reasons, that I'm not alone in my own bout with depression, that based upon the comments from others a lot of people just don't get it and think if women would just go back to being housewives and mothers everything would be better, and also I find it really interesting that the article is written by a man.

I also have my own thoughts about unhappiness and why the trend might be as it is.

But for now I will suffice it to use my own example. I was employed in a male-dominated profession. I worked hard and rose through the ranks, breaking the proverbial glass ceiling, being the first woman in the 150 year history of my department to be promoted to the rank of Lieutenant. And when that happened I was miserable. Why? I'm sure some of the reasons had to do with my own lack of healthy relationships and poor self image at times. But also, for men, when they make significant gains in their ability to earn money, in opportunities opened up to them, in their growth in both their professional and personal lives there are always a lot of other men in the same or similar circumstances. Something he doesn't understand and has never faced? Go ask one of the other men. And unfortunately I think there are just still a whole lot of men who are very intimidated by smart capable women and will do almost anything to see them not succeed.

For me, I never felt so alone as when I promoted. No matter how hard I worked, or how well I did, I was always alone and I was always "The Girl Lieutenant". Although I held the appropriate rank, I didn't fit in with the boys that were there before me or with me. And even though the administration of my department might have liked to think that they had moved into the present by promoting a woman, they had not, I was treated differently than the men, I was passed over for opportunities that men with less experience than me got. And when I tried to discuss it with those in power I was patted on the back and sent on my way.

Several people encouraged me to sue for discrimination. In hindsight and knowing where I ended up anyway, sometimes I wish I had. But at the time that was not the way I wanted to encourage change. I thought I could prove that women could do the job as well as men, and that I was capable and good at my job., but I don't think most of the men I worked for really wanted to listen. And so I internalized all the stress and  unhappiness from my job and it bled over into my personal and home life  until I felt like a failure at both.

With the clarity of distance and time I know that I did do my job well, and that if the men in charge weren't willing to listen I should have forced the issue even if that meant suing. It may have spelled the end of my career anyway but I might have made a posistive change for some of the other women who now face the same issues.

Would very much like to hear from others their thoughts on the subject.

When reality smacks you upside the head ....

I started the day feeling like I was walking in quicksand. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. It is gray and rainy, but that is okay, it is cool. The dogs are all sleeping, it is nice when it is so quiet. I sat down to write and while it started out slowly I then really got into a groove. It is a good day for writing. In fact I started to feel almost anxious because it feels sometimes like there is so many words and so much story in my head that I can't type fast enough. And then I worry that if I don't somehow hurry and get it all down I will forget it, and tomorrow I will stare at an empty computer screen.

But I have to admit, I have become addicted to being connected ... Facebook, Gmail, Twitter. It is like recess from my writing without having to go out in the rain. I love Facebook and it makes me crazy sometimes. I get annoyed with some of the junk on Facebook but I love being able to see what is happening in people's lives. Really it is a sign of the times I guess, being able to keep up on peoples lives without having any direct contact with them. I needn't call or write, just being their friend on Facebook allows me to peek into their life. And they needn't then feel guilty for not responding to my letter, e-mail, or phone call, they needn't even know I've looked. And there are those times when something significant happens in their life and you suddenly are aware, not left out of the loop and you can then write or call or post something on their wall or send a message.

So as I sit and write I take a quick break and update my twitter status and check Facebook. Look! A post from my friend Robin. Robin and I have known each other for 45 years. Robin is a year younger than me and she and her sister Betsy who is  my age and I grew up together. Betsy and Robin were my best friends throughout my childhood. I spent probably almost as much time at their house as I did my own til the time I was 15 or so.

When I moved from the San Francisco Bay area to the Sierra Foothills in 1981 I didn't talk to either of them much. But then they are the kind of friends, we can go for months without talking to each other then suddenly e-mail or call and pick up right where we left off. I've always just known, they were always going to be there, maybe in the background at times, but they were constants in my life, like family. Then a few years after I moved with my husband to the Sierra foothills Betsy and her husband did the same. Then Betsy's father moved up there too. And a few years ago Robin and her boyfriend also moved up to the Roseville area. We were all back in the same area again. Of course, I then moved across the country but ...

The beginning of August I turned 51. Robin's birthday is 8 days after mine so for her it was the big 50. And then reality smacked me upside the head.

A couple of days before her birthday she went to the doctor because of a small lump near her collar bone. We chatted over Facebook and she told me she got the call and had been diagnosed with Non Small-cell Carcinoma. That was all she really knew, she would be going back and making plans for treatment etc. Then she hit me with the big news. The doctor said she had 1-2 years to live.

We chatted a bit longer, there wasn't much more to say except to tell her I was here, and I would be there if she needed or wanted me there. She said she was numb, who wouldn't be, and so we logged off. I immediately went online to look up NSCC (my acronym, just because it is easier). It was associated with lung cancer mostly. She really hadn't said anything about her lungs, I was a little bit confused. But it brought a flood of memories to me. August 11th was the 12 year anniversary of my mother's death from lung cancer. For her, the time between diagnosis and her passing had gone fairly quickly.

The day after Robin's birthday, the 15th, she posted on Facebook about her diagnosis, after thanking everyone who had posted birthday wishes. As she said herself, nice 50th eh? I was one of the first to respond to her post with the only thing that came to mind "F#%K!". After that I posted again, something a little less dramatic. I chatted with her again online, apologized if I offended her or her other friends .. her reply? "F#%k 'em". You gotta love her. So we talked, the cancer is in her lungs, hip and lymph nodes.

I talked to Betsy on the phone. She is devastated, Robin is her sister and her best friend. I am at a loss as to what to say to Betsy too. I hate this. I am usually not one who is at a loss for words.

Robin is a pistol, an ass kicker from way back, so if anyone can just beat this by sheer will it is her. She has an amazing sense of humor, is smart and witty and beautiful. Sorry, but she just can't lose this battle, I just won't allow it, too many people love and need her, including me.

She posted today and as is her way she used some humor in her post ... while posting she was at Kaiser getting chemo treatments. She said she still has her hair and her sense of humor and has not been visited by "Ralph". I wish I could think of the perfect thing to say. I can't. I'm pissed.This shouldn't be happening.

Unfortunately it is happening way too much these days. I can think of three friends that have dealt with cancer issues in the past year, including my housemate who's friend's mom just passed away this week, after a long battle with cancer. My sister had a very good friend in college, Annie Wells,  an amazing woman who went on to be a pulitzer prize winning photojournalist. She is currently battling breast cancer. I urge you to click on the link I've provided to see a bit about a feature length documentary Annie is making about her battle. (http://www.fromanarmslength.com/)

Didn't mean to be a downer but just a reminder, the Race for the Cure is coming up in lots of cities around the country. It is a great way to participate and raise money for cancer research. But you don't have to wait for a race, you can donate to many cancer resesarch sites, you can donate to help Annie Wells get her documentary finished (see the link above), or you can volunteer in a variety of ways. Whatever you do, lets do something to beat this, I don't want to lose my friend Robin or anyone else.

And hey Robin, I'm still here, and will be there if you need or want me. I love you.

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15 Books

A woman posted this exercise on the She Wrties website and I found it so interesting and fun. So give it a go ...

Don't take too long to think about it or you'll second guess yourself and your memory. What are 15 books you've read that will always stick with you? First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Here are mine:

1. To Kill a Mockingbird


2. The Lovely Bones

3. The Giving Tree

4. Three Cups of Tea

5. The Kite Runner

6. Of Mice and Men

7. In Cold Blood

8. Infidel

9. The Glass Castle

10 Harriet the Spy

11. Farenheit 451

12. Catcher in the Rye

13. In the Company of Heroes

14. Romeo and Juliet  (a play but ....)

15. Bird by Bird

There are a hundred more I might add after reading other people's lists. Would love if you would leave a comment with your own list ... have fun!

Turning the Page

Have you ever felt like you wake up one day and you are just ready to turn the page, to start fresh?

I moved to Nashville Tennessee after living my entire life in California. I had retired from a 20 year career in law enforcement, I was divorced after 26 years of marriage and had been in a long term relationship. I packed up most of my belongings and put them in storage except for my clothes, a few things I knew I would need immediately upon arriving, and my dog Bodhi. My daughter and her girlfriend had moved to Nashville about a year earlier and convinced me to move there. They flew out to California to help me with the move so we loaded up my pick up truck, dog crate in the back, and headed east. We arrived in Nashville about four days later.

I lived with Kate and Nadine while I decided if I had to or wanted to work and where I might like to live. When about a month and a half later I found a little house to rent, I flew back to California to have the rest of my belongings moved. What started as a plan for an easy move with someone else doing the heavy lifting, quicklly turned into one disaster after another until I finally had to cancel the mover I had hired, rent a U-haul and start calling friends to get help loading my furniture. And so I once again set off east, this time alone in a Uhaul with most of my worldly possessions.

At the time I was so busy with the business of moving I didn't realize how much extra baggage I had brought to Nashville with me. This baggage didn't take a lot of room because it was all emotional baggage. I still held resentments from issues that had arisen in my job, and even more resentments for the issues that had arisen in my personal relationship. I was treading water in a sea of moderate depression and considered myself a failure.

It is hard to move to a new city and state where you know virtually no one, and then add to that being retired where you no longer have the social circle that comes with having a job. Slowly but surely I began to do things that I had always wanted to try. I started taking Ballroom Dance lessons. I went on a Scuba Diving trip to the Bahamas and I joined a writer's workshop where I finally began to write, and let other people read my writing. I was doing things from my own personal bucket list.

But I could not shake the sense that things were still not right for me. I was trying to hold on to relationships from the past. They were relationships that didn't want to hold on to me. I have since realized who are the real friends I have and I think I can count them on one hand, but I wouldn't trade those friends for the world. And I finally had to admit to myself that the romantic relationship I had was unhealthy for both of us. Over the last several weeks I have tried repeatedly to hold on to some portion of it until finally just in the last couple of days I had to admit it was never going to get better, the person I thought was my very best friend in the world had become really more of an acquaintance and nothing I do can make him be a better friend or want to be in my life.

And so this morning, I awoke with a new attitude. One of hope, excitement, a little bit of fear, but mostly ready to get on with life and all it has to offer. And so I turned the page. I have plans for more dive trips, I'll continue with my dance lessons and I will finish my memoir and it will be a success. I would love it if you joined me on this journey, it should be fun. Welcome to Nashville.

A New Start

So here I finally am. I have long thought about it, I planned on starting, I fretted some about it but I finally took the plunge. I am a blogger. This blog will likely cover many topics, depending on the day, my mood, the news, my life and that of my friends and loved ones, and of course often times my writing.

One of the things that I had to do before I could be a blogger was I had to allow myself to call myself a writer. That is what I am now. I used to be a Deputy Sheriff. If anyone asks you what you do and you say, "I am a Deputy Sheriff" they shake their heads knowingly and make comments about how exciting it must be, or how interesting it is, or even that incredulous look that says without words, "really, but you're a girl!".

Then there was the time that I was no longer a Deputy Sheriff but didn't know quite what to say when asked. So my answer became, well I'm retired, but I used to be a Deputy Sheriff. It had been not only my job but what I was. As I got further away both emotionally and geographically from my law enforcement career it changed to I'm retired, I don't work anymore. It took some courage to finally admit that I have a new profession and say to someone who asked what I do, "I'm a writer". Of course I live in Nashville Tennessee now so that person automaticallly assumed I must be a songwriter and in this town there are a whole lot of those, but nonetheless there was also that "oh (pause) really?"

I had to mentally prepare myself for the fact that if I call myself a writer then the world will expect there to be writing ... that I have produced. There is writing, right now it is about 130 pages worth. I think I had to get to about the 75 page mark with a view of what more would be added before I could let myself believe that there really was a book in me and that I really was writing it. I feel like I have gotten far enough now that I am less afraid of not ever actually producing that writing the world might expect. Okay, maybe not the world, but there are those who I've told about my book who now hope, and dare I say expect, to some day actually see and hold it in their hands.

So now when someone asks what I do, I say, "I'm a writer". I rarely add in the part about being a retired Deputy Sheriff, that no longer defines me and  it might steal the thunder from my new profession.

One quick note of thanks to my friend Freddie who showed me what a good blog looks like and gave me encouragement and information to start my own.