A Month of Ups and Downs

It has been a month of highs and lows, and as it winds to a close, I felt the need to reflect.

The highs? My son Brendan returned from a deployment in Iraq, with the United States Marine Corps Reserves of Charlie Company from Lynchburg Virginia. He came to Nashville for a quick visit; it is so good to have him home, what a relief.

I did it! I finished the first draft of my memoir and although there is so much more still to do, it feels like such a momentous occasion and another relief. I’m setting the fear aside; at least I’m trying to.

My baby girl, Caitlin, turned 25 a few days ago. Who would have thought it, my baby a quarter of a century? Sigh.

My nephew Noah will turn 25 in another couple of days, woo hoo!

My niece Jenny is scheduled to give birth tomorrow to the first of the next generation, my father’s first great-grandchild. A boy, his name is Kaden.

President Obama signed the Hate Crimes bill into law protecting the LGBT community.

On the down side? My friend Robin has to endure more Chemotherapy and has now lost her hair, but on the up side, she looks gorgeous as a bald woman.

And, it has been one of the deadliest months for American troops as October has seen 54 Americans killed in Afghanistan.

Although my son returned safely from Iraq, it is almost a certainty that he will deploy at least once more if not more during his six years in the Marine Corps. Almost a certainly, at least one of those deployments will be to Afghanistan. Doesn’t matter the politics, whether I am for or against the war, a troop build-up in Afghanistan or for or against whatever the President’s final plan will be, this is my son I’m talking about and I just would prefer he not go there. But he will because that is the job he signed up for, and he will do it proudly and I will support him in whatever he does.

I was reminded though of the cost of this war when I saw the news stories of President Obama who made a middle of the night trip to Dover Air Force Base and solemnly witnessed the return of 18 of those service members killed in Afghanistan. It is under this president that the ban was lifted on press coverage of the return of the bodies of fallen service men and women. And unlike his predecessor, who it is reported never once went to Dover to see firsthand the cost of the wars he led us into, President Obama witnessed it first-hand, and saluted as the remains of Army Sergeant Dale R. Griffin were removed from the C-17 Cargo Plane bringing him home. And as the news report so succinctly put it: “For all the talk of his potential troop increase – maybe 40,000, maybe some other large figure – Obama got a grim reminder of the number that counts: one."

Pray for Peace.

First Draft ... then what?

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

For once, I don’t think it is an oncoming train!

I have reached the point in my first draft of the memoir that I can see the end. But really, that is just the beginning. I know there is a lot of work still to do, rewrites, revisions and more rewrites. Still, this feels momentous.

So, what could be the problem you ask?

It is a fear. I no longer can hide behind the fact that I am just now writing the first draft with a completed book somewhere off in the distance. Once the first draft is done then I have to move ahead, to following drafts to a FINAL draft and then what? Even then, the work is daunting, finding an agent, a publisher and finding people who might want to read what I have written.

The industry has changed in the past several years. Very few authors get big book deals where a large publisher gives a big advance and the writer sits back and enjoys the fruits of his or her labor. Instead, there is maybe a small advance but the writer is expected to do much of his or her own publicity and marketing. That includes building a platform and audience and bringing that audience with you to the publisher to give them hope that they will not be throwing money down the drain if they publish you.

It is not the work that scares me; it is the fear of putting myself out there, open to criticism and failure. Fear of failure, a constant companion. I struggle with it daily.

Today though, I will enjoy the idea that I will soon have the first draft done and worry about the rest later.

This calls for a celebration … champagne anyone?



*** NOTE:  Other good news, I wrote my first "guest blog". Well, not alone, my friend Mendi and I wrote it but another first. You can see our blog entitled "Boy Brain" at http://www.thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/.

THE NEWS HAS BECOME A NATIONAL ENQUIRER HEADLINE!

I realize I haven’t posted anything in a couple of days. I have been focusing on the book writing, well re-writing actually. I am finding a much more interesting voice in me that I think will make the book better. It is amazing, how hard it is to write, yet how much you learn about yourself and your story when you do it.

So to get to my point ....


I said before that twitter, Facebook, Stumble Upon, and even e-mail are like little recesses for me from my writing, I just have to be sure sometimes to get back to work. I am almost embarrassed to say that I now get most of my news in 140 character spurts, tweets from news organizations that then alert me to stories I want to go read more about. Then there are those contests, you know, you re-tweet something and are automatically entered? Hey, I'm not getting paid to be a writer, at least not yet, gotta supplement that retirement income somehow (since I can't seem to get a job ...see previous post about my job hunting experiences).

So, I get the breaking news alert about the little six-year-old boy who got stuck in the hot air balloon. Then the update that the balloon landed, no little boy. Then the update the little boy is found in his attic at home. And finally the questions about whether it was a hoax. In between are teasers that he was in a box attached to the balloon, then that the box fell off before the ballon landed, then that there was no box.

Someone said that the mother had been on “Wife Swap” on TV. How embarrassing is it to any normal human being that there is actually a TV show called Wife Swap? And this woman admits she was on it?

Someone else said the dad is an inventor or something; someone likened him to a “mad scientist”, said he's trying to build a flying saucer. Then the news headline is that dad called the FAA first, then a television station, then 9-1-1??? Anyone else see a problem here?

Maybe the first clue should have been, they named their child Falcon? 'Scuse me? Maybe someone with some authority should look at the environment in which this six-year-old is being raised.

What in the world has happened to people, that they have made their lives just like a reality television program at the expense of their children?

How 'bout we stop giving these people any more publicity, they got their 15 minutes and now they can go away.

Next thing you know Jon and Kate Gosselin will be giving these people advice on marriage and child rearing.

I’m just sayin’…

Everything Happens for a Reason ... or ... Ending Up Just Where I'm Meant to Be.

I spent the day at the Southern Festival of Books in downtown Nashville. I had never been before. Of course, I was immediately thrilled when I arrived to booths of publishers of all types, booksellers and a place to buy each of the books whose author’s were reading at the festival.

I had looked at the schedule, the festival goes for three days and is free to the public, but I limited myself to only one day. There were a few authors whose names I recognized but many were unknown to me.

I’ve been trying to tell myself that I need to step outside my comfort zone and this seemed like a good opportunity, to choose to go to readings of authors I did not know. Despite all my best intentions, I didn't leave my house until later than I had planned.

But, back to my title of my post. Sometimes it seems that things happen for a reason and there are times when you end up just where you are meant to be.

Another woman I know, one who is in the writer’s workshop I attend, told me she had been in a workshop this year with a writer by the name of Silas House. He was scheduled to read at the Festival. I checked the schedule and found when he was reading. To my pleasant surprise he was not reading alone, on the panel with him was a writer by the name of Jason Howard, someone else I had never heard of, but also Kathy Mattea, a well-known country singer.

When I first started to listen to country music, many years ago, Kathy Mattea was one of my favorites. I hadn’t heard much about her in the last several years so I was excited to see she would be there. The subject of their reading was a book entitled “Something’s Rising: Appalachians Fighting Mountaintop Removal”.

I had never heard of Mountaintop Removal (MTR) before. It is an environmentally devastating form of coal mining that blasts the entire top off a mountain and fills the valley below with the debris. The book is the oral histories of 13 different people, all of who have a history in the coal mines of Appalachia, and the affect of MTR.

Kathy Mattea’s voice was strong and clear, she sang one song while she played guitar, another she sang a cappella. Her songs, as well as the discussion by Silas and James were reminders of the catastrophic affects of the practice.

From a website called Appalachian Voices:

Mountaintop removal involves clear cutting native hardwood forests, using dynamite to blast away as much as 600 feet of mountaintop, and then dumping the waste into nearby valleys, often burying streams.

In central Appalachian counties, which are among the poorest in the nation, homes are frequently the only asset folks have. Mining operations have damaged hundreds of homes beyond repair and the value of homes near a mountaintop removal sites often decrease by as much as 90%. Worst of all, mountaintop removal is threatening not just the people, forest, and mountains of central Appalachia, but the very culture of the region.

A note: After active mining has been completed all disturbed areas of the mining operation are required by Federal law contained in the Surface Mining Control and Reclamation Act of 1977, (SMCRA) to be reclaimed as one of several post-mining land use options. Although the law, this in reality does not happen.

Please watch the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiSzOiGFa-0

I have to admit ignorance I am sorry to say. I know little about the region known as Appalachia. What I do know and was reminded of today was how beautiful the Appalachian accent is, how rich and fulfilling the sound can be as their stories are told. I plan to do more research. This issue should be important to all of us.

In the meantime, I will listen to Kathy Mattea’s most recent CD titled Coal, and I will remind myself that, without even trying, sometimes we are right where we are meant to be.

Appalachian Voices, Mountain Top Removal Coal Mining. Retrieved October 10, 2009 from http://www.appvoices.org/index.php?/site/mtr_overview/

How It All Fits Together, I Think.

As I told you before, I started this blog for several reasons, of course because I love to write and this certainly gives me the opportunity to do that. In addition, to start to build "platform" as they call it. Building a following hopefully, people who enjoy my writing and are also interested in the book I'm writing, or at least think they might be.

Along those lines, I also started using Twitter, try to update my Facebook status more often, and linked this blog to my Facebook page. Phewwww.

It really started to make some sense to me in the past couple of days. If you look at the bottom of this blog there is a visitor counter, 250 visitors -- not bad. Six people actually following, hoping it is not just the same six repeatedly visiting the blog page and no one else reading it (although I do love you six!).

On Twitter, I follow almost 70 people/organizations. I of course follow some friends and family, because I like to know what they are doing and some post some great links to interesting news and information and have great recommendations for music (thank you Josh Skaroff). Some of those friends and family have a twitter account and NEVER update it, but oh well.

I follow some writers, people I admire what they do, I like their writing, and many of them are also teachers and are very willing to pass along great bits of information about becoming and being successful as a writer/editor/teacher/coach. They often also post great links to articles and news stories.
I follow several organizations devoted to writing including Writer's Digest (the magazine), Women on Writing, Girl With Pen, Men With Pens, The Writer's Den, and Write Buzz. Then I also follow several organizations devoted to blogging including Site Sketch 101, Pro Blogger, Blogussion, and Blogging Tips Com.

I of course follow those devoted to writing to learn about writing, publishing, editing, writing contests etc. I follow the blogging ones to try to become a better blogger.

So how it all fits together? The other night I see a "tweet" from Site Sketch 101 about using guest bloggers on your blog. I follow the link to the article find a guest blog by a man named Casey Brazeal who has a blog called North and Clark (www.northandclark.net). In the blog, he talks about how he is a new blogger and he believes one of the best ways to build your blog readership is to find blogging buddies, others with blogs that you like. You follow them, they follow you, maybe you guest blog for each other and bring each other's audience to the other.

Casey is from Chicago and does a lot of interviews and podcasts on his blog. Some great posts including a two part interview of a woman who is an attorney for two detainees in Guantanamo. Many of the folks I follow regarding blogging talk a lot about making money from their blogs. That didn't necessarily seem to be what Casey was about and that's certainly not why I am here so I wrote an e-mail to Casey just asking some questions about being a new blogger.

Wow, Casey wrote me back almost immediately. I was pleasantly surprised. He looked at my blog and commented and we both started to follow each other on Twitter. I look forward to reading his blog more regularly and commenting and hope he will continue to do the same here. Casey answered all my questions and seems so willing to help me, a person he does not know, succeed as a blogger and by extension as a writer. Thanks Casey.

It has started to become clear, this platform building. It really is about building community, about helping each other out. I would likely have never found Casey without being on Twitter. I'm learning more every day, about writing, about blogging, about being a member of this community of writers.

If you have a blog, let me know, comment below, maybe we can help each other out too. If you are on twitter, follow me and I'll likely follow you back.

Someday, who knows, maybe I will be the blogger who guest blogs on someone else's blog, who can be there to help a new blogger or an aspiring writer out.

Will Work For ....

I think they called it Generation Y, a term coined in the late 90’s early 2000’s. It was the generation that seemed to be even more into “me” than any other. That was the generation of young adults the Sheriff's Department was hiring when I became a supervisor.They were the spoiled kids who had not learned the value of hard work. They were rude and surly and had no respect for authority. (God, I sound so old, I have become one of “THEM”?)

They had a different work ethic. They thought they were doing the department and maybe the world a huge favor by showing up at all for work or even for an interview. They felt that they were owed a substantial paycheck and great benefits just because they were there, not because they did a job or even, god forbid, did it well, but just because that was how it worked.

Several of us, those who supervised these people, would talk about it and shake our heads. Showing up for an interview in law enforcement after having been fired from their last job for stealing. Or, after reading the job description, and applying and testing for a job as a correctional officer in the jail, they would then come in and say, “Oh,you mean I would have to work nights and holidays? I don't want to do that."

That same generation Y kid is now the person doing the hiring at your local retail store.

When I was younger (okay, it was a long time ago), there were classes you could take about how to present yourself well at your interview for a job, how to write a resume, how to dress for success. They stressed appearing confident and professional at an interview, showing a potential employer you would be worth their time and effort.

I have applied for a few part time jobs recently. Nothing huge, just something to keep me out in the real world, supplement my retirement income maybe a little. These days you don’t fill out an application and turn it in at a place of business. Most seem to have an online application. I filled out several and for a bit thought maybe something was wrong with my computer or my phone because my application went … somewhere … but I never heard a word. Then I found out that no, you fill out the application, which is sent electronically to the corporate office that might get hundreds if not thousands depending on the business. They then review the applications and supposedly send them on to the stores/businesses in the appropriate geographic area. The store can’t even talk to you until they receive your application from corporate.

Now mind you, had we still been doing it the old way I could have walked in with my resume in hand, filled out an application and been available for an interview then or at whatever time they would want to schedule one, while I am right there.

So now, your local store/business has the 50 applications from corporate. What happens next is often a mystery because if for some reason they don’t choose you to interview (for reasons that are kept secret from the applicant) you will never hear a word -- not a phone call, not an e-mail, not a form letter by snail mail.

But, I was called for an interview. I arrived a few minutes early, and sat and I waited while the manager interviewed another applicant at a table about three feet from me. My interview was scheduled for 4:00. The manager talked to this other applicant until 4:30 or so. At the end of my interview I asked when a decision might be made. She said she was interviewing Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday for four positions. She would make a decision Thursday. She would be on vacation next week so the new hires likely would not start until the week after.

Thursday comes and goes with not a word. I don’t know if they chose the four they wanted and I wasn’t one of them, or if they still have more people to interview, or if no decision has yet been made. Seems being courteous to your applicants and showing respect for their time and effort is no longer part of the deal.

I finally called the business on Friday afternoon at about 4:00. That manager I interviewed with was off for the day and then on vacation next week. I spoke to another manager, explained who I was. She said, “Well I’ll leave your name for the store manager. I’m sure the other manager left him notes about who she wanted to interview” …. long pause …. “Oh have you already interviewed?” Yes, I explain I interviewed Monday was told a decision would be made Thursday. “Oh, okay well I’ll have the store manager call you tomorrow; he probably has some notes from her about what she wanted to do.”

I think maybe they need to be offering some more classes about applying and interviewing for jobs, but this time they need to offer them to the supervisors, those Generation Y kids who don’t seem to have a clue about how it should be done. I guess with the economy the way it is, they don’t have to, folks are lining up around the block to take the first minimum wage job that is offered.

Or am I just being old and cranky?

To Write or Not to Write

It is a question I ask myself often; is this book thing really a good idea?

Most books about writing say write what you know. What did I know? I knew my job in law enforcement. I had spent so much time learning how to write police reports that I thought I knew how to write a true story, and there was a story I felt compelled to tell.

Writing a memoir is hard. Well, writing anything is hard. But a memoir is hard because it is personal. When I started to write, I thought this would be easier, that I was just telling a story and yes, I was a character in that story but I just had to tell the story as it happened and let the reader decide for themselves how they feel about it all. As Jack Webb would say, “Just the facts m’am”.

I realized that for each of those facts there were feelings, and real people involved and decisions based upon feelings, and so there was more to the story than just the facts. There was a history, my history, which led me to where this story takes place. All the things in my history had an impact on how I ended up where I did.

I worry, often. Do I use real names of all the people and myself in my story? I am not telling lies and I am working hard to not intentionally hurt anyone or cause them embarrassment. In fact, another thing the books about writing say is, “don’t write for revenge”. So, I started out fictionalizing it all, but it felt wrong and untrue to me, I know the story too well. Many people who might one day read this book know the story too well too. So then, I changed it and used all real names. Again, I reminded myself I am not lying about anything so what is the harm. But, there are times still when I look and wonder if it wouldn’t be better to fictionalize it all. Finally, with the help of friends, I realized I just have to get the story down, and then I can decide which is the most honest and caring way to tell it.

Then there is always the problem of memory. I had a 20-year career in law enforcement. I have some very vivid memories of certain things in my career. Other things, my memory is not as vivid. Again, I had to be reminded, and often have to remind myself, this is my memory of incidents, it is my perception of those incidents and it is my feelings about those incidents. I check when I can, to make sure I am right about facts, about dates, about other people, but I can’t always remember verbatim what was said, I know how I remember it. Moreover, I can’t even begin to know what was going on in the brain of others involved, so I can only guess and write about how I perceived things. So I write how I remember it, it is my reality, my perception.

In Sue William Silverman’s book, “Fearless Confessions” she writes, “Memory itself is a reality. The way that events are tinted through individual experience – like a hand-colored photograph – is one of the great themes of memoir.”

I have worried myself into writer’s block more than once, letting that internal critic win the battle more than a few times, telling myself, I’m not good enough or my story isn’t important enough. I have been told that I need to write for myself first and foremost. If I am writing thinking, I’m going to become rich and famous I’m probably deluding myself. So I am writing for myself, but that isn’t enough for me. Not the work. So, I am also writing for some others, some I know, and some I have not and may never meet. I have to believe that something in my story will give strength or hope or comfort, or maybe even joy to someone else and will help me understand myself. And, if I write it well enough, it will be an interesting and fulfilling story.

Despite my constant worry and misgivings, I know in my heart of hearts that I will write about this time in my life. It will be, most importantly, for me because as it is with most writers, because I must write it, but also maybe just maybe it will be for others too.

I hope you all will stick with me til the end and see how it all turns out.

Silverman, Sue William, 2009, Fearless Confessions, A Writer’s Guide to Memoir, Athens, Georgia, The University of Georgia Press