A Kick to the Gut

Hi. Yes it's me. Sorry, I know, no good excuse. Well, maybe a good excuse but sounds pretty lame right now. I would have brought a note to excuse my absence but unfortunately mom's not around any more and that would have to be a hell of a note.

So let's see, last time we talked I had entered the She Writes Passion Project writing contest with a portion of the memoir. Although I spent the last month or so telling my self there was no way in hell I could win, I was secretly  fantasizing about winning anyway. You know, planning how great it would be when an editor and an agent told me how great my memoir was and with their help it would be even greater.

What else was I doing for the last month? Working. All the time. I mean really, seven days a week. Why? I have no  clue at this point. The whole plan was that I would work part time, make enough extra money to pay for some fun, like travel and scuba diving, but leave plenty of time for writing. Instead I found myself working every single day and although I made notes in my notebook while at work when ideas would come to me, by the time I got home I was so exhausted I couldn't even think much less write.

Today I gave written notice at one of my part time jobs (Home Depot) to quit. Just can't keep doing this. So hopefully I will now get back to the writing.

Anyway, back to the Passion Project Writing Contest. On the 24th they announced the finalists -- 18 of the 300 or so entrants were named finalists that will then be reviewed by a panel for selection of  "the one". I was not one of the 18. I cried, just a little. I kicked myself for even hoping, my critic came back full throttle and reminded me I had no chance and I was an idiot for trying. It was a bit like a kick to the gut, took the air out of me for a few moments.


I wanted very much to congratulate the winners but I couldn't find it in me to do so. I was hurt and pouting and throwing my own very quiet and personal pity party. With the decision today to hand in my notice I was starting to come back to reality, just gotta get back to the writing, keep plugging away at it, work more on the short stories I had started. I felt bad about being such a sore loser. I really am happy for those who won, I just couldn't find a way to say so without also saying or thinking something snarky.

Then this evening, the people who thought up this passion project idea posted an excerpt from three of the eighteen finalists submissions and an excerpt from their submission cover letter. It was suddenly amazingly clear why I did not win. Wow, there is some pretty great writing there and that is only the first three (they are posting excerpts from the winners in alphabetical order and will post another three tomorrow and another three the day after and so on until the grand prize winner is announced next week).

I suddenly felt very small and inconsequential. I wanted to quietly take back my entry and rewrite my entire first draft and my submission letter as well. Is mine really that bad? Probably not, I'm being a bit dramatic again, but I can only hope to write as well as some of these women.

So, here we are .... again. I'm back and hopefully on the road to a more reasonable schedule and more writing and more blogging. Hoping you all will forgive me for my absence. Send good positive energy my way and if you have any creativity you can spare I can always use some extra. And watch out because there are some amazing non-fiction stories from some women I have gotten to know and whether they are eventually chosen the winner or not, I have complete confidence that all of them will be published and you will be hearing of them. And maybe me too one day, after some rewriting and revision.