Good writing is rewriting ...
Truman Capote
I have often written about my internal critic, that voice inside my head that tells me my writing is crap, that tries to convince me to give up, that tells me I will never succeed.
Most experts and experienced writers tell you to ignore that critic, make it go away. They even suggest making deals with the bugger, telling it to go away until after the first few drafts. I struggle with it. I can at times let it overwhelm me with fear and negativity.
I’m wondering now if I shouldn’t embrace my internal critic and start listening. No, I’m not thinking my writing is crap, well not today at least. But I have to admit there has been something bothering me for quite some time as I work on revisions of the first draft, or rather, don’t work on revisions of the first draft.
I have felt stuck, as I said, lots of fear, anxiety and generally feeling rather lost. But, I am starting to name what is bothering me. I have been reading more, particularly since giving up one of my part time jobs. A couple of books just for the fun of it (confession: I love Kathy Reichs’ books and devour them as soon as they are released). I also have been reading a couple of memoirs. I am in the midst of “Lit” by Mary Karr and recently raced through “Mennonite in a Little Black Dress” by Rhoda Janzen, which made me laugh aloud at times.
What I have realized is that I have not been honest, with myself or with my writing. I am a pleaser, have been for a long time. Want to fix things for other people, want everyone to be happy and particularly want people to like me and not be mad at me. So, I wrote my first draft, constantly editing myself so as not to piss anyone off. It stifles the writing, it makes the story flat and like I’m reporting it instead of living it.I may be starting anew, writing honestly. I’m going to be making some people mad probably. I hope my family will understand that what I write is my story, my memories and my feelings, it is never meant as a judgment of them. There are others, people I long considered my friends in law enforcement who aren’t going to like what I write (and I don’t mean just because they don’t like my style of writing). I have to remind myself that my real friends, the people who should and do matter the most will understand and will support me in telling my story honestly.
Maybe I have reached this point partly because I have begun to examine what it really means when you talk about friends, who are friends and who are acquaintances? That, however, is another post for another day.
While my internal critic cannot keep me from writing, I think that maybe it was keeping me from being satisfied with not telling the story from my heart.
Starting over is not what I had in mind when I started the revision process, but then being content with something not good enough is not what I had in mind either.
When I wrote my first MS (now hidden somewhere in a drawer) I did just that. I made sure I didn't write anything that might be deemed "controversial", made sure the characters didn't ever say anything that might possibly offend someone I knew. And it didn't feel right, their reactions didn't seem natural. Then a fellow writer told me that you can't be writing to please other people, you have to write to please yourself, and say what you're wanting to say the way you want to say it. That advice helped me a lot. I realized that *is* the point of writing - not to walk on eggshells or make sure I please a huge demographic, but to simply say what needed to be said. And I've taken that lesson with me in everything I've written since.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right. Our true friends are going to support us, regardless, whether they "agree" with what we write or not. So might as well tell the story the way we truly want it to be told, right?
Two reasons why I still write "under the radar" (read: I censor myself): 1)I don't want to embarrass other people in my life, and 2)I don't want every Tom, Dick & Harry knowing me THAT well. But I have a story to tell...so what am I gonna do, wait till everybody's dead or what? It is the bane of my writing existence, and I have to step out of my comfort zone. I guess I am, in little bits and pieces, but it's taking forever. It gets disheartening, and I sure wish I knew what to do about it.
ReplyDeleteThe people that are truly your friends will embrace your honesty and the fact that you are being so candid about your life. Your family will love you no matter what even if they are initially hurt by what you have to write. While it is not easy to consider the fact that some people will be upset by what you have to write but they have to remember that it is your account of what you were thinking and feeling and it is your story to tell not theirs (I know easier said than done)
ReplyDeleteGood for you. Keep plugging away :)
ReplyDeleteGreat realization, Julie. It is hard to be honest emotionally, especially for those of us, myself included, who are pleasers and who want everyone to like us. You've given me something to think about.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post very much like this several months ago. I think with memoir particularly we have to separate our writing selves from our living-with-people selves and just tell it how it is. Easier said, I know.
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