If it doesn’t serve you and the highest good of all… let it go.
Release the unnecessary…
the unhealthy…
the unproductive.
--Kate McLaughlin
It has been a difficult week for me. Not the writing, although that is almost always difficult in some way, trying to find just the right words and putting them in just the right order.
No, this week it has more to do with lessons I’m trying to learn (or is it re-learn). You would think that at my age, I would have already learned them but I still struggle.
I find myself angry and hurt over other people’s behavior, even when it has little to do with me personally. I feel anger that someone is not behaving in what I would consider the appropriate way given certain circumstances. Hurt that people I care about sometimes seem self centered and concerned only with their own happiness. Maybe it is that I wish others could look inside me and see that I have done what they are doing and it only leads to hurt. But, it is near impossible and not helpful to say you should learn from my past and my mistakes. Everyone has to make their own.
My tongue feels bloody from biting down on it, trying not to react, trying not to interject in something not my business.
I wonder sometimes how my behavior affects others, have I also been so self-serving? Have I been unkind when I could have as easily been caring? I’m certain I have.
Sometimes I want to start over, move somewhere else, live a different life and try to do it differently than I am doing it now, because this one doesn’t seem to be working the way I want it to.
All this anxiety clogs up my brain, keeps me from looking clearly at my revisions, at my writing, at my life.
It feels like it is time for a spring-cleaning, even though it isn’t spring, get rid of the unused, unnecessary, cluttering hurtful things in my life and my head and give myself a clean slate to work with.
I think I need that spring cleaning too. I am grateful that you do always listen and hope you don't feel like you have to bite your tongue, I know sometimes it is hard for me to hear but I respect your honesty with me.
ReplyDeleteLove you!!
Sounds like you're going through a tough time. I can identify with your emotions here--and if you do a "spring cleaning," be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a timely observation.Some things in life are so Universal. I just got home from a retreat focused on balancing my life with a group of great people. As I was immersed in the activities, the community, the wonderful sharing I felt oddly disjointed, judgemental,labeled and unbalanced. By the end of the retreat I was weary, wired and wiped out!Everyturn in life is a lesson, especially encounters with others. They mirror at times the struggles we are going through and the things we'd rather not see. Thanks for sharing your story and inner discoveries. Hang on to your hat, the fifties can be quite an adventure.
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