a·void·ance
[uh-void-ns]
Show IPA–noun
1.
the act of avoiding or keeping away from: the avoidance ofscandal; the avoidance of one's neighbors.
2.
Law . a making void; annulment.
I seem to have been practicing avoidance in regards to this blog post but I must move on.
Okay, here goes, I lost. NaNoWriMo I mean. I know, you knew I would, so did I, I even warned you I would. But then it became a fact.
The reason I didn't post here sooner, like I promised I would, was that I first had to get myself to a place where I could write about it all without adding in the words loser and failure. Whether or not I "won" NaNoWriMo doesn't really make a bit of difference about me, about being a writer, about writing a book. I know that.
It helped me to get started on the fiction and it brought me closer to some of the nicest people on the face of the planet who supported me even though I lost and even though I whined and bitched and moaned and felt sorry for myself and, well yes, had a complete meltdown.
Even knowing all of that, and logically understanding the unimportance of winning NaNo I still felt like a loser and a failure. I watched everyone else I admire and like "win", sail over the 50,000 word mark with days, sometiems weeks, to spare and the closer it got to the end the harder it became to even open my laptop up and stare at the screen.
Okay, I'm over it, kind of. When I am in the mood for some more flogging of my fragile ego and beating myself up I will once again stare at the NaNoWriMo badge and call myself names and try and convince myself I am not a writer.
Then, I will open my laptop and start to punch the keys once again and suddenly I will be writing, pages and pages of shitty first draft stuff and I will turn to those friends once again for a quick, "you're okay Julie, we love you anyway", and all will be right with the world.
But, when November 1 rolls around next year, someone commit me if I say I am going to attempt NaNoWriMo again. By then I hopefully will be smart enough that if I do attempt it I won't tell a single soul.
A most sincere thank you to my twitter and facebook sisterhood of ink women, you are the best, @PennyJars, @pinemeadowpond, @Christi_Craig, @thebirdsisters, @2KoP @charissaweaks, @Ren_Thompson.
I saw a message in Writing.com (or is it Writers.com?) but it reassured people, "if you write, you are a writer." and you are one. And a very interesting one too. Don't beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteJulie, I'm sure this was a difficult post to write, but I'm so glad you did it. That just proves that setbacks don't take away from the fact that we are still writers.
ReplyDeleteI was always a cheerleader-wannabe, so any time you want me to break out my pom-poms (and, yes, I have some - watch out), just holler :)