Wait ...but ..... let me explain!!!

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise. 


~Noel Coward 

How do you take criticism? Do you seek constructive criticism and if so where do you go to get it? How are you at giving criticism, particularly to someone you know and are friends with?

All these questions are at the forefront of my thinking as I struggle through revisions on the memoir and work on my short stories. I have let a few select people read the memoir in its current form. And while they have it I worry, and fret, and worry some more. What if they don't like it? Will they be honest if they hate it and think it stupid? And what will I do about it?

My editor, Sally is also my friend and mentor. I know in my head that her suggestions about revision are in my best interest. Doesn't seem to change my reaction much. I know this about myself, someone criticizes, even constructively and my first instinct is to get defensive, to try to explain what they clearly aren't getting. I often have to let her comments sit for a while, to let them settle until there is less emotional attachment to them, then I usually find she's right. I have at times argued for my point and at times she has decided I'm right, or at least I'm not so wrong that it is worth the argument, but  usually she's right, thats why she's the editor.

I recently sent off the first 100 or so pages to a friend to read. I trust her, I know she is well read, I know she is smart and I know she cares about my feelings. Her initial reaction to the first few pages was positive. I was feeling great. Then I didn't hear anything else, for days and days. I began to panic. Did she hate it and now was too afraid to tell me? Should I ask? Should I just let it all go? I asked. She has a life, she's busy, she has kids ... okay so I was being a little nuts about it. Now I worry that I have made her a little nervous to give constructive criticism for fear I'll really go off the deep end. Don't worry my friend, I'll try to keep my neurosis in check.

There is the flip side to that coin as well. When you have a friend, how do you try to point someone towards help without hurting his or her feelings? If you know someone could use an editor, or a creative writing coach, or a class, how do you say it without making that seeming condescending or rude?

Where does the responsibility lie? When have you pushed too hard and butted into something not your business?

How do you handle criticism, both giving and receiving?

I'm with Mr. Coward on this one; criticize away as long as it is unqualified praise. Just kidding ... kind of.

My Fantasy Five -- Harper Lee is one of them ...

I know I’m not alone in this but To Kill a Mockingbird is one of my all time favorite books and movies. Unusual kind of, usually if I really like the book I don’t like the movie that much and vice-versa But I love them both when it comes to TKAM. I have been reading a lot of blogs and other articles about the anniversary and about the book and movie. Most of the comments on these blogs are of the adoring fan type, how much they loved the book, how it affected the reader as a child growing up in the south, or in the north, what it taught them about racism in America. And then there have been the other type, those who complain that the book hardly showed the true face of racism, that it didn’t have enough of an effect on the American culture, that it didn’t change anything. Some people even get really angry and rude and make personal attacks against other commenters. 

Harper Lee, the author of TKAM has said almost nothing about it; she lives in seclusion in her hometown.  I quite some time ago read a book called Mockingbird: A Portrait of Harper Lee by Charles Shields. Shields wrote the biography without the support or assistance of Nelle Harper Lee, but he wrote it based upon his interviews with family and friends including Truman Capote. Capote and Lee had grown up together in Monroeville Alabama and many believe that the character of Dill Harris in TKAM is fashioned after Capote. The two remained friends for many years, Capote was one who encouraged Lee to write. Lee also worked as Capote’s research assistant for In Cold Blood, although he did very little to acknowledge her help on the book.

Reading all the comments, thinking about the book and about Shields’ book as well I began to think, if there were one person I would like to just sit down and talk to, about her life, about writing, about all of it, it is Harper Lee. The woman fascinates me. I wonder if for her, as she wrote the book, if she realized the long-term affect it would have on people, or how people would use her book as a hallmark of the state of racism in this country. Or, did she really write a fictionalized account of what was really a memoir. Lee’s father, like Scout’s father was a small town southern lawyer and many believe Atticus is based upon her father. Was she trying to make a statement about racism or was she trying to write about her life and those core values her own father instilled in her about right and wrong.

One of NPR’s most e-mailed stories over this last week was one about To Kill a Mockingbird and the 50^th anniversary. There was a serious argument between about three of the commenters about the book and racism. One commenter wrote:

I still contend that a fictionalized account, if it makes people start the discussion, or think about things in a new way, is better than never raising the consciousness at all. We've a long way to go, and I'm in favor of things that move the conversation along-even if it doesn't happen at the pace at which I think it needs to do.

No matter what Harper Lee’s intent might have been, we can be thankful that she at least continues to make people start the discussion or think about things in a new way.

I would like to read the book again, with my over 50 year old eyes and my over 50 year old experiences. I still wonder what a second book from Lee would have been like. Or did she write the perfect first book?

But as I thought about it, I thought of a few others I would love to sit and talk to, to talk about writing, and success and failures and life in general. Carson McCullers and Flannery O’Connor come to mind immediately, can you imagine sitting at that table? Wow. I began to ask myself, are there any contemporary writers that I would also invite to my imaginary round table? Absolutely, Anne Lamott and Alice Sebold.

So whom would you love to sit and talk to if you could pick any five people? Are there people who have influenced your own writing (if you write) or your way of thinking? I’d love to hear other people’s “fantasy 5”.

Knowing Where I Want to Go

No, I did not fall off the planet, nor was I swept away by floodwaters. I have, however, been somewhat overwhelmed by my circumstances, work and the usual worry about things over which I have no control.

I have been reassessing, how much do I want to work, getting back to my writing and what space and time will I carve out for that. I have found that if I step away from writing for too long, as I did after the flood, that internal critic whom I felt I had finally at least temporarily banned from my head came barging in once more.

The impetus for the return of the beast was the She Writes 1 year birthday celebration. Although She Writes was founded in New York City, it now boasts an online community of nearly 10,000 women writers from all over the United States and 30 countries. That is close to 1,000 new members a month, which is incredible. I am the administrator of the bloggers group, which now has over 1200 bloggers, that is a whole bunch of blogs. On June 29, She Writes turned one.

Anyway, to celebrate the birthday Kamy Wicoff and Deborah Siegel, the co-founders of She Writes asked members to hold celebrations in cities around the world. There were at least 17 separate birthday celebrations including one here in Nashville. Amazingly, we had almost 45 women join us at Davis Kidd Booksellers. Most of these women were not She Writes members, well at least not when they decided to join us, many have since become members.

As part of the celebration, Sally Schloss who is my mentor and editor and who organized the event asked several writers to read a short selection from their work. She read a portion of a short story herself. She had nine different readers and all, but one, were already published. The one unpublished reader? Me. Sally asked me to read from my memoir, even though it is still just a polished first draft.

Sally and I met about a week before the event to discuss the agenda etc., and to discuss what portion of the memoir I would read. She suggested a portion and I decided to go home, look at it and then possibly look at other sections as well then decide what to read.

And therein was that small opening which my internal critic busted through. I literally read the memoir and decided that maybe I hated it, that it wasn’t worthy of being read, that I was setting myself up to be embarrassed and ridiculed. Yes, I know, really rather dramatic but that critic does that to me.

Unwilling, however to fail at this assignment, I just finally gave up trying to find the perfect passage, or re-write the perfect passage and went with the section that Sally had first suggested. It was my first public appearance as “an author”. I did not mumble, I did not stutter, I did not speak in foreign tongues. In fact, I read eight pages clearly and with conviction. I was scared to death but tried not to let others see my fear.

See ... look at me, I'm reading!

Moreover, when I was done I was still whole, I had not died, and I had not heard any loud sighs of impatience or snickering at the writing. In fact, I received several really wonderful compliments on my work, from published authors, wonderful writers who know this stuff. I received comments from several people who said they couldn’t wait to read the entire memoir.

Take that damn critic!

I also had started, in the past several months, two short stories. I have only a beginning and not really a clue where they are going. I wrote them and put them away as I worked on the memoir. I pulled them out again recently as I contemplated attending another writer’s workshop. Much to my surprise, I loved what I had written; I was actually kind of proud of myself. I had, before then, doubted myself thinking I would re-read them and realize they would be awful. But no, they weren’t awful, at least not to me.

I sent them both to Sally to get a professional opinion of the story starts and to see if she thought I should work on them in workshop or let them be. She told me she worried that if I concentrated on short stories I would somehow not get the memoir done and she may be right. I may have used working on something else as a convenient excuse not to finish the memoir. I mean, if it isn’t finished I can’t fail at getting it published can I? – Don’t answer that.

But, I heard from Sally after she read the beginnings and she gave me the loveliest compliment I could ever get. Her words were, “you need to finish the memoir so you can write fiction”.

I am now even more certain that I need and want to be careful how much time I work. I need to reprioritize and probably simplify my life somewhat so that I work less and write more. I still plan to help  Cait with her photography business but I know there are ways to be more frugal to cut back here and there so that I don’t feel I have to work so much and I get back to doing what I love, writing.

So as I settle into my new apartment and sit at my desk that sits in my bay window of my room I feel content that I am back on the right track. She Writes is holding a contest for non-fiction writers that I plan to enter with my memoir.  It is time to get those revisions done and see if I can get it out into the world. Then to move on to some fiction writing, I’m excited.

No, this isn't actually my desk or my bay window, someday maybe but you get the idea ...