I said the wrong thing, or too much, or at the wrong time ….. again. It seems to be my habit. When I hear someone I care about ask those questions, those unanswerable ones, the why questions, I have a desire to fill in the empty space. I want to help. I want to heal.I think back to the advice my mom gave me. And then I remember, she didn’t give me any. I can’t remember a single conversation, about boys, sex, my dreams, her dreams, her worries, none of it.
Had she used up all her advice on my older sisters? Or did she just not have any words of wisdom. I want to pass it along to my own children, but there is only silence in my own past. I’m only guessing but I think she likely got little words of wisdom from her own mother either.
Does it say anything about my constant questions about people and how they behave – toward me, or about my inability to understand people, well mostly men.
The words sting, the ones where I’m told I need to stop talking like I know everything. But wait, didn’t you ask a question, my opinion, for advice? I don’t know everything, in fact most times I think I know nothing.
Okay, I’ll stop talking. Please don’t ask me for my advice. I have none.
Wish mom were here so I could ask a few questions.
Where do you turn for wisdom?
Just a passing thought - perhaps your mom was letting you have your own life experience, untainted by her fears, her past, etc. I believe we learn all we need to know by experience. For wisdom, I examine the stories and lives of those around me. When I struggled through a divorce, there was loving family to support me, but no one close who could guide me through it. So I shared my story whenever I could with friends and a therapist. Their live helped me find my own way. To this day, I see the divorce (though it wasn't my choice) to be one of the most positive learning experiences of my life. I feel that sometimes we are ment to struggle without understanding or without a road map. It helps us blaze our own trail.
ReplyDeleteBut that's just the words of a 30'something. For whatever they may be worth.
I also keep in mind that 90% of the time, when people ask for advice or ask questions, they already know what to do/what they want to do about it. They're more often than not just looking for confirmation of their ideas.
(As John Mayer says: "Better to say too much then never to say what you need to say." ;) )
Disclaimer: These are only my thoughts based on my OWN experiences. No one was mentally, physically or emotionally drained as a result.
ReplyDeleteMy Mother was never one for advice. Clearly in fact as my life would have been VERY different. In an Irish Family there are only two roads to consider. Silent judgement and "Let me tell you something". The latter was my Mother's favorite. I invision a very large mouse trap at this point. I would scurry around her trying to solicit a thought or feeling on a subject troubling me. Seemed quite normal her being my Mother and I her only Daughter right? Advice is suppose to be GIVEN. She missed that parental memo and once the questions fumbled from my lips, the shark cage was open and I had an open wound called " I don't know what to do And with one deep breath....."Let me tell you something"
I was TOLD, statements were made in leiu of sound answers and any reservation about the quality of her wisdom would have made me a gonner. No follow up necessary.
So it's not what words are said. Its not possible to say too much or the wrong thing.I gave you advice didn't I? Breathe, Breathe, Breathe. Too much? If one wants more information to chew on they will write Dr Phil. I would have to have quite an ego to believe I would be sought out for wisdom. Thoughts yes..I am all over those. But thats all they are...thoughts. These things I own. Experience and emotions are mine whether failure or triumphant. Leave answers and wisdom to Oprah and Dr. OZ. Share what you feel, share your personal thoughts... and leave the person asking with more questions to ponder. Real advice comes from sense of self anyway doesn't it? What you give your own Daughter is the ability to look within because you raised her with a strong sense of courage and passion. She knows as we all do where the answers are. Silent advice is the best advice. We all figure it out sooner than later with little input. I won't ask you for advice my friend but I might ask you to listen as I vent. Amazing what answers come from hearing yourself outloud in the third person isn't it?
Breathe
D
Julie - I am passing on a blog award to you and nine other bloggers who I admire. I don't know much about these award thingies, but when I received this one from another blogger, I figured out that I was to share seven things about myself and pass the award on to blogs that I read and love. So. I've talked about and linked to your blog on my latest post. Over to you, to do or don't as you wish!
ReplyDeletehttp://recoveringdawn.blogspot.com
Julie,
ReplyDeleteVery engaging post. I have to say, my mother isn't one for advice either, but I know why. Her mom was always in her business, and she wanted to give me my space, my independence, my freedom. I think in that quest, she ended up on the opposite end of the spectrum. Both she and her mother were doing things to the extreme. Perhaps your mother had her reasons as well. Perhaps not. Seems to me, from this one post, that you turned out very well! I enjoyed reading this and look forward to future posts.
Reminds me of one of my favorite Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quotes: "'It's at times like this...I wish I'd listened to my mother.' 'Why, what did she say?' 'I don't know. I wasn't listening!'" Thankfully, I still have my mother, and she's generally among the first I turn to for advice. I also look to my husband, sister, and closest friends.
ReplyDeleteBy the by, I found your blog through the OnNashville BlogRoll at the tennessean.com. I'm a fellow Nashville Blogger, and I'd like to share a Nashville-specific giveaway with you and your readers.
Luxe Salon, on Dickson's Main Street, is offering a huge giveaway for the Dickson, Nashville, and surrounding communities. Essentially, if you're willing to drive to Dickson for the reward, you're eligible to win! The Grand Prize is a $200 makeover! The winner will get to choose the services, from makeup to hair, and the prize may be redeemed up to six months from now.
Three runners-up will also receive a free hair cut, wash & style, also redeemable up to six months from now.
Please visit my Giveaway Post for more information, and enter to win this day of pampering!
http://www.graphoniac.com/2011/07/graphoniac-giveaway-200-makeover-3-hair.html
Good luck!
-A.L.Sugden
www.graphoniac.com
Ps. I have two Giveaway Link-Ups, one for Middle TN specific family-friendly events, promos, and giveaways, and one for blog-hosted family-friendly giveaways. Please feel free to come promote your events!