It has been forever, I know. I have been lost. Lost in a sea of worry and work and emotion, all of which have left me frozen. I have, for the past several weeks, a feeling in my soul, a need for balance in my life. Balance between work and play, writing and earning money, love and loss.
This week, however I have found myself overwhelmed, by love and sadness and memories. Right now it is all about recognizing what needs to be done, about doing the right thing out of love.
A friend brought me such peace today with her words. I sat in a car, staring out at the trees that surround the area that was General George Washington’s headquarters at Valley Forge. So much history, a reminder of so many things I don’t know and wish I could now share with dad. He knew this stuff. I read her words and despite my despair I knew them to be true:
"We obviously can't control time and who is ever ready to let go? No one.... but when YOU realize that his strength and courage is alive and well in his daughter you will be able to tell him it's okay to let go and that YOU will be fine. Your parents give you great survival skill. When they leave this physical existance is when we realize the training wheels have been off longer than we thought. The "Just in case I fall who will catch me" fear is just that.... fear. ……… You have been saying goodbye to your Dad for a while now.... the hard one is the last one and it's near impossible not to be selfish with it. It will come and I hope you find the love to say it FOR him so he can watch over you from a better place than from the shell he is trapped in. ….. Make him comfortable and tell him its okay to let go of the bike because you got this.”
So I will spend what time I can, trying to make him comfortable, trying to let that tiny spark of him that is still inside that shell I do not recognize know that it is okay. It may go quickly, it may take time, I have to remember it isn't up to me.
My friend’s other advice to me? To breathe, breathe, breathe. Almost forgot that part. And with each breath I begin to find a center, some balance. No decisions right now, just being in this moment and learning from it. Thank you Dee, Mendi and Shirley, you three have been my strength.
Kept thinking, there must be some music or song that could convey some of what is inside me. Then I realized it would be better to just have some music that is just for dad, so here you go. I love you dad.